Managing a busy life as a working Mum
Nobody ever said it would be easy and I didn’t think it would be. There were times, however when my mental health was suffering and I just didn’t spot the early signs. It looks different for everyone, but for me it was edginess and dread – absolute fear of leaving the house. And this was long before the pandemic. The first time I experienced what might be called a “breakdown” was in my early 20s. I had two young children and job at a casino working 2 night shifts a week.
Looking back, it was clear that I was a victim of bullying, but I don’t think I was able to admit this to myself or others. I wanted to appear strong and capable. I was also very scared of complaining at work, losing my job and losing the very important income I was bringing in. My husband and I had a mortgage to pay. I dreaded work. I hated leaving the house, leaving the babies, spending 8 long hours with people who bullied me. I had a manager who said directly to my face that if she was in charge when I applied for my job that she would not have employed me and now she was stuck with me. This was before minimum wage was even a thing and the equality act had not yet been written. I felt unsafe and insecure. Eventually this would take it’s toll and the doctor signed me off. The positives of the late 90s and early noughties were that being signed off by a doctor was enough and there were no degrading tests and forms to complete.
Statutory sick pay at the time was the same as my low wages. So I was financially safe. So I stayed in my bubble. I stayed in the flat. I became so scared of the outside world that I became agoraphobic. The doctor had to do homes visits and my husband did all the shopping. He took the girls to school and nursery and I stayed stuck in that flat for 3 months straight. Most times I would not even open a window. I went to the phonebook and found a counsellor. The first counsellor I saw was called Dave and he asked me to tell him about what was going on for me right now, he wrote down everything I said as I spoke – like an interview. By the end he had pages and pages of i nformation but had not looked at me once. I asked if it would be like this every week and he said yes. So I did not go back. But I was not deterred.
I then booked in with a woman called Sam. She said she was “person- centered” and that she did not ask questions. It was odd because I did not even notice. She took no notes, just listened to me. I felt real compassion for the first time in ages. I went back weekly, sat in the front room of her house next to crammed bookshelves, never watching the clock. I used this time to unpick my thoughts, to say out loud all the anxieties I was too scared to admit to anyone else. I began to realise my innate value and worth. I eventually returned to work, just until I found another job and I left. I also returned to education and began work in mental health. I wanted my daughters to see my strength in recovery and to know that we can overcome anything but also that it is okay to not be okay sometimes.
The signs I missed were
- Exhaustion, fatigue and muscle pain.
- Headaches
- Irritability
- Inability switch off
- Inability to focus
- Sadness about everything – nothing brought me joy
All of these symptoms were there long before I was signed off.
Before I sought help from a therapist. I now know to spot these signs early and to act on them. Sometimes it might mean I need a little time out and a rest. Other times it might mean I need to come away from social media, I might need to walk to the park alone or just get some early nights. And sometimes it might mean I need to have a chat with a counsellor – to unpick my thoughts and regain sight of my value and worth.