For a very long time, I found myself eating my emotions; whether they were positive or negative didn’t matter; I found comfort in food. I would eat if I had a bad day or even a bad few minutes. I would eat if I had a good day or was celebrating something. If I was bored, I would eat. Food became the centre of my life, and food controlled me for a very long time.
The route of my emotional eating was trauma; I had difficulty processing my emotions and taught myself that when I ate, I felt happy and comforted. Yet, that happiness is temporary, leading to negative self-talk, hatred, and guilt. I thought dieting would be my answer; if I lost weight, I would be happy, right? Wrong, it didn’t magically solve my issues, it led to yoyo dieting, losing 3 stone, gaining 4, and this continued for years. Ultimately, this yoyo dieting led to my relationship with food becoming more and more toxic. I hated and loved food at the same time. It still brought me temporary comfort but controlled every aspect of my life. Food was always on my mind; I had anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and struggled to maintain relationships.
After suffering in silence for years, I realised I needed help. I got in contact with an Eating Disorder Specialist and eventually got a diagnosis of Binge Eating Disorder. Some people hate labelling, but this diagnosis confirmed so much for me; it allowed me to see more clearly. I decided to contact a counsellor to discuss my emotional eating and work on myself, hoping this would prevent the need to emotionally eat long term. Within counselling, I learnt that I needed to sit with my emotions and stop trying to push them away. I began expressing my feelings to the people around me, and I often cried for no reason, but it felt like I was free. Free to let the built-up emotions go, to stop trying to hide them. As I worked on this, the urge to emotionally eat slowly started to fade away; I learnt to love who I am, started to talk more positively about myself and began to build a better relationship with food.
I wouldn’t say I’m cured or never emotional eat anymore. I do find myself battling with my thoughts still to this day; however, talking to a counsellor, building healthy coping mechanisms, being aware of my triggers and learning more about myself prevented that urge to eat. It is more profound than the food and deeper than that surface emotion. It is something within you, something you might be trying to repress and hide. I am no longer allowing food to control me. I control what I eat and how I handle my emotions; you can do it too. Kya Coates